Sheltering Creates Vulnerability

I wrote this SEVERAL years ago, but never published it. Funny, I was having a conversation recently with someone about this very topic.

I have several decades of experience with parenting. Now, my oldest child is 13, so I didn't say I have decades of parenting experience...and there is a huge difference between the two. Parenting experience comes from being a parent. Experience with parenting comes from being parented, observing the parenting techniques of others, and working for an agency that exists to protect children.

Opinions on the topic are so varied and emotionally charged that it should be added to the short list of no-no's for social setting discussion topics - politics, religion, and parenting. There are parents who believe that children should never be punished and there are those who believe that regular beatings breed obedience. You get the picture.

Most of the time I find it rather easy to keep my opinions on the topic to myself. But, occasionally I find it hard to hold back. That happened this week when we, and several of our neighbors were notified that a convicted sex offender had moved to a residence that is within a 1500 foot radius of our home.

(Now, I know that there is surely some research behind the decision to notify only those who live within a 1500 foot radius, but still found amusement in my visualization of this person walking face first into an invisible barrier at 1501 feet).

Like most everyone, I was jolted when first learning of the news (little bit different than learning that a new Starbuck's is moving around the corner). But, I quickly put it into perspective and went about conducting my own investigation. I made a call to the lead investigator assigned to the case. What I learned eased my mind a bit. I was relieved because my professional experience has taught me the difference between a sexual offender and a sexual predator. This guy is not a predator - he did not seek out this physically mature teen aged girl for the purpose of sexual abuse. Her parents, apparently, chose to see things differently.

Anyway, after gathering the information, we had a talk with the girls. With the exception of #1, the talks weren't much different than those that we have had before. Again, because of my chosen profession, my children are usually more informed than most on certain subjects. Since a very young age, they have been taught to be aware of their surroundings at all times and to be true to their gut feelings about people. We call it the "Uh-Oh" feeling. That little knot in your stomach that tells you something just isn't quite right. They are taught to trust the uh-oh feeling and remove themselves from the situation as quickly as possible - then tell us.

Though the philosophy isn't always popular, we firmly believe that a fundamental responsibility of parenting is to equip our children with coping skills. Giving them age appropriate knowledge - particularly about the uncomfortable things - is a necessary part of raising them to be happy, healthy, contributing members of the community.

The reality (in my opinion) is this:

1. There is not necessarily more danger than there was when my husband and I were growing up, we are just more likely to hear about bad things that happen.

2. As parents, we must be careful to teach the difference between caution and fear. Children who learn to fear others will not have the tools they need to become healthy adults.

3. Parents have a duty to physically protect their children, but also to emotionally immunize them to danger in the world. Parents who completely shelter their children are NOT protecting them. As all caring parents do, most sheltering parents faithfully have their children immunized against disease. Basically, they control the intentional exposure of their children to horrible deadly diseases for a greater good - So that these little bodies will have the necessary tools to cope, so to speak, should they come into contact with these diseases while out in the world. Many of these same parents would not think of discussing sex with their children(something they are certain to come into contact with at some point), much less a sex crime! In failing to have open, age appropriate discussions with their children on these and other (often uncomfortable) topics, they leave their children completely and dangerously unprotected.

*Note for those who fail to see the forest for the trees - I am not suggesting that parents intentionally place their children in dangerous situations in order to teach them coping skills.

My children are playing outside today having the benefit of a few extra "Mama Prayers" for their physical and emotional well being.